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Poetry, Art, Photography, Disease, Fear,Yoga, Meditation, Love, Self-Discovery, Family, Children, Trust, Marriage, Life.
I've always struggled with disease. As a child awkwardly evolving into a teenager, shyness turned into anxiety, anxiety turned into self-hate, and self-hate turned into fears and phobias. Opening up to people was difficult. Because of that, other than a few close friends, most people came in and out of my life without ever really getting to know me. The truth is, I didn't really even know myself. I floated like a butterfly trying to find it's path.
My early twenties were a time of hiding in the shadows of other people. From highschool, I went to beauty school, then moved to another state with my family where I contined to float from friendship to friendship without any real connection.... until I met the man I was to marry. Still, even after we married and my family moved on to another state, I was still trapped in a mind of fear leading me into my late twenties when the anxiety got so bad, my body began to fall apart.
Don't get me wrong, through the phobias, nightmares and freakish body symptoms, I still mangaed to smile and feel happiness, especially when in my early thrities I discovered a love of poetry. It was in 1993, in a creative writing class that I wrote my first poem, which wasn't very good, but it didn't matter, I had found my voice.
Then I had children, two beautiful boys, that gave my life new meaning. Really what motherhood brought me was a renewed sense of fight.
It wasn't easy though, it still isn't. After years of bottled up fears, learning to express them brought out more emotions than I ever knew existed. My poetry suffered for awhile. According to my creative writing proffesson, I wrote, "halmark poetry", nothing more. That was Ok for me though, for awhile. At least I was writing. My middle thirties were just as turbulent in my body and mind as the twenties, only different. This was a time of awareness.
Change can only happen if the heart and mind is connected. I did alot of thinking during my late thirties.... and my emotions forced enough tears out of me to fill a river, then my poetry began to change. Like a leaf that had suddenly freed itself from a rock that had held it prisoner for too long, my spirit was suddenly swept up in the wind and I felt for the first time, what it felt to be free. Meaning I was finally letting myself feel what it was like to be me. And I liked that feeling.
So from then until now, that's my journey. To dust off the years and see the part of me that's been hiding for so long. To explore myself and take chances. Something I never did before. My love of poetry has grown. It's what soothes my soul. Through it, what I'm finding is.....Art of any kind soothes my soul. Taking photographs, making videos, and even painting.... I'm not very good at these things... and I may never be. But what I've discovered is, it's the process that touches me.
Four years ago, my body began falling apart. I developed a very painful disease called "Fibromyalgia". Along with that, acid reflux, irritable bowel, sciatica, carpal tunnel, ... the list goes on....... But I'm happy. In fact, I'm happier now that I've ever allowed myself to be. I don't take any medications for any of my health problems. My medication has become Art. A daily dose of poetry, photography, video making, or whatever I choose to try that day, is what reminds of the beauty that lies in each and every day.
So for now, I've found this site and am looking forward to looking at life through the eyes of others. It's a big world out there... and I've only seen a tiny little corner of it. But maybe, as I spend some time here, I'll begin to grow and my love of photography will blossom someday.
Art is life. The emotions that we write, paint, and edit with is what brings art to life. Don't be afraid to explore what's within. That's the beauty of the human soul.