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It's strange the way your mentality changes your whole life. "The power of positive thinking," the Americans like to say. On the 15th, I made a resolution to stop writing for a while because I thought maybe the very thing bringing me down was what I was using to try to climb out of the hole. It's like alcoholism: you're unhappy, so you get drunk, the effect wears off leaving you lower than before, so you get drunk again to get out of that low. The thing making you happy is what's causing all the pain. My writing was like alcohol, I think. I wrote down every thought I had. I made everything significant and meaningful. I made life chaotic for myself because I was thinking that it all was so amazing, or terrible, or was a sign. And who knows, maybe everything is. But it was really killing me, I think. I can't write down every thought, I can't make everything trivial a big deal. I need to leave that to my real writing, not my life. It's strange that I can talk about writing like an addiction, but it's true for me. I need to learn to write in moderation and keep my head clear. I could never just stop writing, and frankly I think everyone should keep a sort of journal, just a place to jot down thoughts. It's where I self-reflect, ask myself questions, work things out. But I need to stop questioning everything, worrying about everything, thinking everything over. The last line of my last entry is, "I need to do something." And that's it, I'm doing something now. I'm leaving my journal on the shelf and letting thoughts come and go, leaving many, no.. all, off the page. For now, anyway. After a break, I think it will be okay for me to try again and just remember that life isn't so hard. It's all up to me, for the most part.
I feel happy and confident. I'm incredibly happy with my relationships with people right now. I'm doing my best to keep that anxiety monster away and not worrying about them leaving me or me messing anything up. I'm not worried. I think that if I do lose someone or something happens, we can either work it out or it was meant to happen, and everything will just be okay in the end. Man, I sound so cheesy and optimistic in this entry. I think I'm on a little high because I've allowed myself not to worry about things, when before I would guilt trip myself for discarding thoughts that might be important. I felt like I should always question myself, but I took it too far. I should work to improve myself, but I also need to live life and just be happy with who I am. And I am happy with who I am now. And I'm happy with my friends. And with my family, for the most part. I'm happy with my plans for the future. And basically, I'm happy with my life.
I haven't been sleeping for the last two weeks. I've had three people tell me I look pale and weak in the last two days. I don't know why. That's what confuses me most. I'm content with the course of life I'm living right now, so why can't I sleep? Why do I look so ill? People ask me what's bothering me and.. nothing's bothering me. Well, maybe that's not totally true. It feels like something is missing, but I don't know what. I do honestly feel happy, or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself of that. And talking about this makes me feel like I'm thinking into it too much. I'm afraid of thinking, frankly. I get so depressed when I think. I'm even a little afraid to go on with this entry. What is the matter if everything is going so well and the way I want it? Nothing is the matter, I believe I'm truly happy. I just don't know why I can't sleep and why I look so terrible.
Yesterday I felt homesick for one of the first times since I got here. I was thinking about Christmas and how I always decorated the tree each year. I thought about the food my mom always makes for dinner. I thought about how my sister and I used to stay up late and lay on the floor of our bedroom and look under the crack in the door so we could see my parents putting the presents out. Then we would wake up incredibly early in the morning and look through the presents long before our parents got up. My favorite memory is it being so early in the morning that the sun had just risen so it was still a little dark with bright colors starting to stream across the sky, and the living room being illuminated by a warm glow of different colors from the christmas lights on the tree. There would be piles of presents all waiting to be opened. I think I liked looking at the tree and all of the presents more than opening them. Then I thought about Thnaksgiving and how we eat all the same food that we eat on Christmas and don't actually do anything special, except have the Thanksgiving Day Parade on the TV, eat dinner with my brother and his kids, and listen to my sister's crappy music that's supposed to be soft and relaxing. I think the tradition I liked best about Thanksgiving was that we always had a puzzle out throughout the day for people to work on periodically and then we ended the day with a long game of Monopoly. Usually the puzzle and the monopoly lasted into the next few days. Sometimes we eventually finished them and sometimes we just gave up. These are nice memories when I don't think about my family fighting on both of these holidays, or my mom getting upset because I didn't like the Bible she bought me that she buys every year, or the doll she bought me for "old times sake." But I guess every family fights on holidays, and it's unpleasant for everyone to some extent. I hope it's not unpleasant when I have my own family. But anyway. I'm not homesick now. The feeling passed briefly. Like I said, the memories are nice, but I'm more than ready to experience other things. I want to see a Polish Christmas and who knows where I'll be in the future around Christmas and Thanksgiving. Maybe I'll never have these holidays in the same way that I used to ever again. It's just what happens when you grow up, I guess.
I'm enjoying writing, but I think I should end here. I think I would only end up repeating myself and rambling incoherently, so have a nice day folks, and pray I can sleep tonight because I really don't like being tired all day or looking pale.
Oh, and will you please start commenting on my photos? I'm starting to think that only my mom looks at them, and maybe it is only her. If not, please comment here and there so I know it's not pointless what I'm doing. I don't need to post these photos, I'm not doing it for myself, I've got all the photos on my computer. So please, just show me that you're alive out there and there's a reason I'm doing this. :P