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I hate my ugly self...

Okay so this is it. One week all napptural and I'm questionable. The responses...all less than favorable (except of course the one from my very BFF and fellow TWA-rocker who was so proud of me for taking the steps to liberate my hair).

My fiance' thinks it is hands down the ugliest sh*t that he's ever seen! All he does is stare at it and when I catch him looking...look away real fast. He tells me basically "Hey you're the one who wanted to be so Empowered...nobody made you cut your hair all off".

See I love him...but I hate him. I hate him because sometimes he's ignorant. I love him because he's tall, dark and handsome so naturally I overlook the reasons I hate him because the reasons I love him...are so dang ole' good.

But bump him...I mean this is coming from a man who still believes in "good" hair. Now keep in mind his hair...I must admit is beautiful. He has that jet black, extra thick, super curl definition, baby fine texure that just "cooperates" (not my hair...it's stubborn and opinionated just like me). Like I was saying, this is coming from a man who thinks his daughter has "good" hair. Hmm...yea her walkin' around thinking that gets her jumped on by jealous little girls who's daddies told them they had "bad" hair, ya dig? So I don't really take his advice to heart but it still hurts. Hurts to know when he looks at me...he can't really "see" me unless my hair is shoulder-lenght or beyond. Hate for him to look at me in a way that's less than desirable.

Then there's my 12 year old who told me I was "lookin' too much like grandma!"

WTF! I mean really? I look like 50-ish year old woman with 7 grandkids? REALLY? For real? I look that haggard? That old?

Grrrr...he's my baby though I can't be mad at him. But I find myself not even saying anything to him or attempting to explain why I'm in this state of mind in the first place because all I've done for the past 7 days is uh....explain myself, justify myself, defend myself....

Yea...being natural makes you the strongest person on the planet. The amount of adversity you face, the stares, the empty comments, the snickers...you feel alienated. Alone. Abandoned. You feel like you're on a planet where everyone speaks Tardakian and you speak Logolian and uh...ya'll just not communicating, ya feel me? And then every now and then another Logolian walks by and you smile and you wink and send little hand signals because you know that she knows what it's all about! She UNDERSTANDS you! And then you feel liberated with just that brief passing moment.

There's a few places where I go where they "understand" my language. Not to my fiance because he's afraid. Afraid of how people will accept me. Afraid of what people will say and deep down inside afraid of what all that negativity will do to me....will it break me down? What he's got to learn is even though I'm little I am strong and I don't believe in making mistakes. I believe in living life and learning from the lessons it teaches us. Okay so maybe cutting my BSL hair off was a bit hasty. Perhaps I should've transitioned longer? Or at least went to a professional so I could've had it done the right way.

Lesson learned.

Perhaps people will stare at me? Laugh at me? Think I'm less attractive?

So what...lesson learned.

Perhaps I'm more radiant and more confident and more beautiful on the inside that I ever knew which is why everyday I find the courage to walk out of that door and into the world with NAPS and all?

Yea...real life lesson learned.

Do I really hate my ugly self? No. Do I think I'm ugly? Uh...I think I'm very unique in appearance. This is not one of my more "favorite" looks BUT what I'm feeling inside, when I cried when that hair fell off to the ground is more than about a look. It's about life. My life...and I'm gonna live it and love my ugly self.

Believe that.

Blame my 'tude on my hair

Okay so I'm not 100% sure if this is true...a woman can work 8 hours a day (probably closer to 10 hours a day with commute), come home, take care of an infant child and still manage to clean house and cook a full meal...EVERYDAY!?

Why?

I mean I have a man and I think my man is a damn good guy but let's be real....he's not a baby....he's grown. And I can't justify cooking and cleaning for a person every day who...to be honest...can't remember to take out the garbage without having to be told.

Is it my hair causing me to be rebellious? See it's not that I can't do these things...it's that I don't WANT to. There's a difference. I feel like....I mean is that a desperate woman that would do something like that? Take care of a man that's a baby, that can't remember to do "HIS" share (like let's say keep the car rollin' smooth and clean, garbage removal, walk the dog...if you want to talk about "traditional" roles here).

Why?

Is it my hair that is like "Ugh...why would I do that for you?" Or is it deeper? Is it that I don't want to meet the needs of someone else who maybe I feel isn't meeting my needs?

I dunno. All I know is since my hair has been cut off and I've been getting nothing but negativity coming my way...it seems like I've turned into just a negative, negative person. I guess my attitude is why should I cook and clean for someone who can't support and accept me for who I am? They don't deserve that.

*Vindictive*

In my opinion, this is the year 2007. And even though I was raised in a traditional household (mom and dad still married 35 years)...it's just not the same today. I mean my dad basically told me when I asked him to show me how to mow the lawn that as long as he was around...there would always be a man there to do it for me.

WHERE ARE THOSE MEN?!

Cause these males these days want to bash us women over something stupid like cutting our hair yet some of them are deadbeat dads, don't work, in and out of jail and then have the audacity to try to be picky about women (she's too fat, she's not thick enough, her hair too nappy)...it's like....are you for real going to be selective right now when you have nothing to offer?

No. It's a real world we live in. A world based on traditions that we are losing fast. Men that don't want to be real men. Women that don't want to be real women. Women who are just sick and tired of being told they aren't fun enough, pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough. Women who cut their hair off to liberate more than their minds...who liberate their souls because maybe it's the last PURE thing they have left in their lives.

I refuse to do it. Maybe I'll lose my man to a "better" woman. You know one who'll fix his plate every single family gather. One who'll keep his kids clean (that ain't even hers!). One who'll make his doctors appointments for him and help him remember to get his bills paid. One who'll perm her hair til her scalp bleeds so she can look "good" for him (even though looking good to her is a totally different look). One who'll eat more if he says she's too skinny even though she's healthy and beautiful to HER. One who'll starve herself if he says she's too FAT even though she's healthy and beautiful to her. One who'll be convinced that watching Porno doesn't contribute to infiditilty in a relationship.

One who'll be very easily controlled.

Hmmm...me and my hair...we'll be over there waiting on that other guy who knows that a woman will always do for a man....if she feels he's doing for her. And has no problem with that concept...or my nappy a** hair.

To Loc or Not To Loc

That is the question.

Back and forth I've vacillated in my mind if I could or if I should or even...if I would loc my hair.

See...I'm impatient. And I love versatility with my hair. And for the longest time I thought locing meant...NO flexibility. Boy was I ever wrong. I mean it's my hair and I can wash it, style it, cut it, color it, curl it...anything I'd do with my own hair.

I didn't think I'd look right with locs. But last night I did finger coils and for the first time in 3 weeks my fiance said to me "That looks very nice!" *GASP* I almost feel out of my chair. I think it looked good too!!! Because they looked like locs just starting out. They look great. I mean I love these little baby coils all over my head...so I know I'd love locs.

So I've decided to do it. I've decided that I'm going to loc...no matter what! I'm going to wait about 4 months and I will do it at Christmas when my hair is all "grown out" and a little more even. That is if I can wait that long.

I just know I'm gonna love the new me because I'm way too excited all ready.