| | Ramblings Category joke Tuesday, December 11, 2007
THE RUSSIANS
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you.
We have some Russians up here in heaven that are causing problems.
They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is
missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabbana instead of their white
robes, their riding BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling
their halos to people for discount prices.
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear,
since they keep crouching down midway eating sunflower seeds and
pelemeni and smoking. Some of them are walking around with just one wing!"
The Lord said, "Russians are Russians. Heaven is home to all my
children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're
having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on
something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone
and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having
down there?"
The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.
The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I
can't talk right now.
Those damn Russians have put out the fire and are
trying to install air conditioning!!!
Monday, September 10, 2007 Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950's:
1. Teaching Math In 1950's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
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2. Teaching Math In 1960's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
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3. Teaching Math In 1970's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
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4. Teaching Math In 1980's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
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5. Teaching Math In 1990's
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
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6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachure vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho? Friday, August 24, 2007 This should clear up a lot of misunderstanding.
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DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts
stating you
have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and
produce twenty times the milk
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
think is
the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. |
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