Curly hair expert, Lorraine Massey, co-owner of two Devachan Salons in New York City, creator of the DevaCurl hair care line, and author of the book, “Curly Girl,” visited several South Florida GBS, The Beauty Stores this past August 7, 8, and 9. The ad stated that they were “Calling All Curly Girls for Curly Hair Camp” and “Curl Education,” and invited naturally curly girls to “Join the Deva Revolution.” Lorraine and her “Frizz Assist,” Shari Harbinger, made 5 appearances in the Miami, Fort Lauderdale, and Palm Beach areas. Attendees were promised:

• Free Consultations
• Product Demonstrations
• Free Product Samples
• A Book Signing by Lorraine Massey, herself, with the purchase of her book, “Curly Girl”
• 20% off All Deva Products
... and for those curly-haired girls who booked in advance ...
• 20% off their DevaCut (which at GBS, prices start at $75)

Well, I was intrigued as I’ve had my copy of “Curly Girl” since 2002 (along with my copies of “Good Hair: For Colored Girls Who've Considered Weaves When the Chemicals Became Too Ruff” by Lonnice Brittenum Bronner, “Let’s Talk Hair” by Pamela Farrell, and “Ultra Black Hair Growth” by Cathy Howse. To me, “Curly Girl” is not a hair bible, but a guide that helps me to cultivate my own ideas.

Anyway, I just recently started using DevaCurl products and I just wasn’t sure if I should go. It’s true that I am in desperate need of a make-over, but

(1) I was well aware that Ms. Massey would not be the stylist, but an employee of GBS who “has trained under Ms. Massey at her New York salon.” I really wasn’t confident that anyone, other than The Curly Girl or her direct stylists from Devachan, would be capable of properly styling my 4A hair.

(2) I remembered that Afrobella wrote on her blog last year how much she enjoyed her haircut by Larramy, a GBS stylist in Fort Lauderdale who also trained under Ms. Massey, but I personally liked Afrobella's "before" pic more than her "after" Larramy pic. (Click here to read her story & see her pics: http://afrobella.com/2007/05/01/dont-call-it-a-haircut/). A facsimile is not the same as the original, if you know what I mean.

(3) I still have some deep-seated issues about going to the hair salon. I haven't trusted anyone in a very long time since almost all of my salon hair experiences have not been particularly positive since I stopped straightening my hair. As I matter of fact, they weren’t particularly positive when I used to straighten my hair.

(4) Perhaps I am -- just like Afrobella was -- wary of folks putting their hands in my hair that don't have a similar hair texture. That probably comes from the negative experience I had with a Nordic-looking, male hair stylist at an Aveda salon near Brickell Avenue in Miami.

Now I am a new Deva user, but I’m not very dedicated. Even though I have in my “I’m-Not-Really-a-Product-Junkie-I-Just-Want-What-Works cabinet,” No Poo (zero lather cleanser), One Condition (conditioner,) B’Leave-In (curl boost and moisturizer), AnGell (defining gel), and Set it Free (moisture lock spray), I really only use the No Poo and the One Condition. As you may already know, I’m a Kinky-Curly Curling Custard/I.C. Fantasia with Sparkle Lites kinda chick.

Well, even with all of my issues, I made the appointment to have my hair styled anyway, on the condition that I still could cancel, and then brought my issues to the girls on naturallycurly.com. The advice I got was right on point! (Shouts-out to you, Chicas!) They pretty much advised me that I had nothing to lose, but a little hair, and that I would probably waste a lot of time wondering, what if.

Off I went to my hair appointment on Saturday, August 9. With hair pulled back with a butterfly clip, an open mind, and my copy of “Curly Girl” in hand, I drove to Coral Gables and hoped to get a style that was both sexy and professional, like, say, Tanika Ray. I also hoped to have my several curly hair issues addressed, namely shine, shrinkage, and second-day hair.

I walked into the tiny beauty supply store/salon and saw a small crowd of mostly women (one woman brought her straight-haired husband – I got the feeling she had to) and two young girls. The women were mostly Anglo who, to me, really didn’t look like they needed any curly hair advice. All of them had “perfect” curly hair in my estimation except for one Anglo woman who came (presumably) with her curly hair flat-ironed. Through the crowd and off to the right, against a backdrop of Sexy Hair and Bed Head hair products, stood Ms. Lorraine Massey.

Lorraine is such a pretty lady and she’s so tiny! She is a charismatic, petite, little Brit and her blonde ringlets are absolutely gorgeous! She confessed to her audience that she had not washed her hair since last Monday. Hello! That’s five days! She said she didn’t need to and that the South Florida humidity was really working with her hair. What?!?!!

For the first 30 minutes or so, Lorraine had a forum with the two dozen of us who were there. She spoke about the acceptance of one’s self and one’s hair and how she learned to love her curls. She briefly shared a few stories of her negative experiences as a beauty salon client and how the majority of hairstylists are not trained in the styling, cutting, and proper hair care of curly hair. Something I’m sure almost all of us natural chicks all are all too familiar with. She also told her audience that, “Some women will spend $100 or more on a handbag that they will use only once and yet, will use cheap, poor quality hair products on their hair. I think we all know those women.

Then she asked if we had any questions and I was poised and ready to raise my hand to ask about shine, shrinkage, and second-day hair, but women closer to Lorraine beat me to it. There were some good questions asked, and at times, it almost became like a revival or an “Anonymous” meeting. (Strange, right?) A lot of the women started to “testify” about what they have put their hair through and what they hoped to gain from this forum. At one point, I even “got into the spirit” and “testified” when asked about my hair. I told everyone about my October 19, 2002 “epiphany” to stop relaxing my hair, and the other women began nodding their heads, um-humming, and applauding. (I think I even heard an “Amen” or two, wink, wink!)

There was one, possibly two, women of African descent besides myself. I say “possibly two” because one woman kinda looked biracial, like my son. She had thick, soft, curly hair, each about an inch in diameter. She told everyone that she had relaxed her hair most of her life and that she did The Big Chop in February with a GBS stylist from that very store. It surprised me when she said that she used to relax her hair since to me, her natural hair was sooooo pretty.

I learned some new things from the forum and other tips are found in Lorraine’s book:

• Do not use shampoo - ever! Lorraine believes that lathering does not mean cleansing and that what one uses to cleanse their hair should be sulfate-free. She also pointed out that the harsh and dehydrating chemical detergents in shampoo create dry and frizzy hair. This is a tough one for me as you all know I just love, love, love my Elucence shampoo. I recently flipped the script and started using No Poo, but I still love my Elucence. Shari, Lorraine’s “frizz assist,” said that the only reason they created Low Poo shampoo is for those people who absolutely have to have some lather, but in reality, No Poo is best. Lather isn’t necessary for cleansing. I can attest to that. I’ve been using No Poo and have been very happy with it. My hair is just as clean and I think it feels softer.

• Curly girls with my texture of hair should pre-cleanse using only No Poo on dry hair before wetting it. That was news to me! I thought that the No Poo worked just fine with water, but they advised that it’s best for my texture to be pre-cleansed/conditioned first, and then let the water run through the hair, to allow the curls to form. Devachan actually has a video on YouTube.com that demonstrates the procedure. (Click here to watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtnLEHCQ8iA).

• Never, ever flat-iron or blow dry curly hair – or as Lorraine called it “blow fry.” Lorraine and her frizz assists have recently developed the DevaSun Dryer/DevaFuser which is a hand-shaped dryer that diffuses the air and does not disturb the curls. She said that it dries hair from underneath and keeps the curls intact. It has a 360-degree airflow which allows the curl to dry and remain undisturbed. (Sounds like something I sure could use!)

• When cutting curly hair, the stylist must see the hair as a collective of individual curls and that cutting the hair dry is the only way to cut it. Curly hair must be cut curl-by-curl, i.e., each curl cut individually, in order to add volume and dimension.

• Never, ever cut curly hair when wet. Cutting it wet leaves it uneven – you cannot accurately see where the wet hair will be when it becomes dry. That really makes sense to me. (Think shrinkage.) When my hair is wet, it is actually much longer than where it will shrink up to when it dries. When it’s already dry, you can see exactly where each curl will fall and can actually visualize its shape and style.

• For curly haired girls with my hair texture and also suffers from shrinkage problems, she should use DevaClips to add weight to the ends to minimize shrinkage. I don’t know if I’m quite sold on that idea because the clips are kinda light, but I’ll give it a shot. Lorraine advised the girls with less kinkier curls could use the clips to add volume to their roots. I may just try that as an experiment. I’m not afraid of big, nappy hair. In fact, I think it’s quite sexy.

I also learned that the GBS stylists were specially trained in the Deva dry-hair cutting technique! (Hmmm?)

Afterwards, we curly girls broke up into three groups: The first group consisted of curlies who already used DevaCurl products. The second group was for those who had not yet “converted” to the products. The last group was for those who had a hair appointment with the GBS stylist. I qualified for Group One and Shari, the frizz assist, advised that I join the first group and then, after the discussion, join the third one. That gave Lorraine a chance to sneak away for a little while.

Shari, a blonde, is more “wavy” than “curly.” She went to each curly girl and assessed then addressed her hair, its condition, styling basics, and product application. Then Shari made a beeline for me.

She asked me to take my hair down from the butterfly clip so that she could she it properly. I didn’t know what she was about to do next – I thought she was just going to look at my hair – but instead, OMG! She ran her hands through my hair!

I was horrified! Although I used my No Poo Cleanser and my One Condition that morning, I liberally applied my Kinky-Curly Curling Custard. Not only that, but my hair was still soaking wet (and kinda sticky/gooey) in the middle! (That hand-shaped dryer would have come in handy that morning!)

What Shari did next heightened my embarrassment and anxiety ... She exclaimed, in front of everyone, “Ewwww! You’ve got ‘cones in your hair!!!” referring to the (possibly) silicone-based Curling Custard, and then wiped her hands on my blouse. You read that right! She wiped her hands on my blouse!

Now, let me just say that I’m originally from Brooklyn, and my initial instinct was to introduce her to “the Brooklyn me,” but I had to maintain restraint. I also must add that as a Black woman who has a lot of baggage when it come to White people putting their hands in her hair, “Ewwww” is an exclamation that stacks more chips of negativity on her shoulder. But of course, we’re speaking from the psychological standpoint and, in her defense, that White woman doesn’t know about my baggage.

Shari suggested that I not get my hair cut on that day. She said that before cutting, I should commit to the program, use the products and styling techniques for several weeks, see how [my] hair changes over time with proper care, and then, and only then, schedule an appointment for a DevaCut.

Shari moved on to the remaining women and snipped a few of the curlies’ hair right there where they stood, and you could see it was like creating a work of art, or as Lorraine described her hair cutting technique earlier, “... like tending a garden.”

Well, I left Group One and started to head for Group Three when I saw Lorraine speaking to individual curlies. Lorraine spoke with almost every person there and autographed several copies of her book. When I finally inched my way over to speak with her, she told me in her lovely, lilting, English accent, that my hair was “so amazing” and “so beautiful.” Wow! As you may know, that is something I have never heard since returning to natural hair, not even from my own mother! And Lorraine said it so convincingly! I really believe that she thinks it is!

She asked me why I stopped relaxing my hair and I told about my wish that if I had ever had a child, I would want her or him to be proud of their own hair. I also told her about how my mother hates her own hair.

We talked briefly about styling and she kept putting her hands in my hair. She did it the first time without warning, and I apologized for using ‘cones. She dismissed my concern and said, “That’s alright,” and continued to touch my hair and tell me how beautiful it was. Never once did she wipe her hands on me or herself. Never once did she utter, “Ewwww!” And, she is the original, Curly Girl so I had no problem with HER putting her hands in my hair.

She actually said that her hair was very similar to mine in that the hair in the back of her head shrinks a lot too. She went on to use me as “model” for the other curlies and discussed “my spring factor,” or what I call, “shrinkage.”

I guess I was still in “revival” mode because somehow I confessed that my hair gets blown out before it gets cut. Lorraine asked me to, “Never do that again,” and “preached” about disavowing use of the “blow fryer.” A middle-aged curly girl said that she liked going from straight to curly and that she will continue to do so. Lorraine was obviously disappointed, but was still cordial towards her. (I thought she was about to get all Brooklyn up in there!)

Lorraine was a sweetheart. We talked a bit more, she signed my book, and we took a couple of pictures. (Check out my pics!) I completely forgot to ask my questions about shine and second-day hair though.

I left GBS feeling really good about my hair, and without a DevaCut, but I didn’t leave empty-handed, of course! I bought some products: Mist-er Right (a hair refresher to release second-day curls), Set Me Up (a styling pomade), and the DevaSun Dryer/DevaFuser! If it actually dries the hair underneath without disturbing the curls then it is something I definitely need. I often leave the house with wash ‘n go hair and by the time I return home, 12 hours later, my hair is still wet in the middle. The dryer retails for $185, but GBS had a special so I actually got it for $111.20. Plus, I got a DevaCurl Travel Kit (with sample sizes of One Condition, No Poo, Angell,,Set It Free, and 10 DevaClips) which was free with the purchase of two Deva products!

Even though Shari earlier recommended I use the Heaven in Hair for an “intense moisturizing treatment,” I didn’t buy it. It was expensive (GBS charged about $35) and I’m not quite ready to fully commit to everything.

GBS staffers did give out coupons for 20% off the next Deva service at their salon. I didn’t get any free samples though, but I didn’t see anyone else get any either, but I digress ... I may make a DevaCut appointment at GBS in the future, especially since I have a coupon!

Am I Deva believer? Have I converted to Deva-ism? Have I enlisted in the Deva “revolution?” Not quite yet, but I AM a believer in Lorraine Massey and I’m willing to commit to the DevaCurl techniques...for now...

I’ll update again soon!

The other day, I wrote about the Black hair models I admired while growing up. Then I learned that Vogue Italia has dedicated an entire issue, the July 2008 issue, to all Black models. Vogue Italia's cover models include Naomi Campbell, Liya Kebede, Sessilee Lopez and Jourdan Dunn. This issue also has beautiful pictures of Alek Wek; Alva Chinn; Ubah; Kiara Kabakubu; Noemie Lenoir; Veronica Webb; Arlenis Sosa; Karen Alexander; Iman; Yasmin Warsame; Gail O'Neill; Chanel Iman; Tyra Banks; America’s Next Top Model alum, Tocarra Jones; and Pat Cleveland. Well, I had to get my hands on a copy...and so, the frenzy of my search began...

I drove and drove and drove, with my three-year-old son in tow, to every bookstore throughout Miami and Fort Lauderdale.

It was so hard to find a copy here in South Florida -- I searched from Dade to Broward Counties -- so, when I actually found copies, I bought them all! Some are sealed, some are opened, some didn't have the bonus fashion runway issue, and some looked beat up, but I just didn't care. I bought them! And then, I got in my car and kept driving to find some more! My husband thought I just about lost my mind. I did kind of, but there are reasons for the madness. This issue is so special and will probably never, ever be duplicated by "non-ethnic," mainstream media ever again, so I felt I have to own a piece of history. I also wanted to send a message to the stores and to the publisher that magazines with Black faces do, indeed, sell. And lastly, because I searched so hard to find a single copy that when I finally found them, I knew I had to snatch them up to make it easier for other girls like me to get one. So, I'm saving some for Christmas gifts and selling others on eBay. Crazy, right? I know, but I am still keeping two copies for myself!

Growing up in Brooklyn, Mami used to have my hair hot-combed every Friday night. For as long as I can remember, my babysitter, Mrs. Lopez, would have me fed and ready for Mami to pick me up every Friday afternoon. Mami and I would take the subway from Riverdale Avenue in Brownsville to Miss Vaughn's beauty salon in Downtown. We got our hair done on Friday nights in preparation for church the next day. I was raised a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian and church services are held on the Sabbath, which is Saturday. Miss Vaughn, the owner of the salon, did my and Mami's hair, personally. Mami was one of those kinds of women who believed that going to church every Sabbath was an "event" just like a wedding, a birthday party, or a Bar Mitzvah -- You have to be dressed to the nines! I didn't just go to church with pretty, straightened hair, but I also wore patent-leather shoes, either my white pair or my black pair -- depending on the season -- colored tights (stockings), and my special, church-going underpants with the lacy "frills." I think she made me wear the underpants in case I was in an accident or something.

Miss Vaughn was an attractive, middle-aged woman who loved a good dirty joke and loved to laugh. And she had a deep, room-filling laugh. I would sit atop a stack of phone books in the barber's chair, raised as high as it could go, and listen to the women, including Mami, have adults-only conversations. Then they all would burst into laughter. Every now and again, Miss Vaughn would remind the ladies that I was present, and then someone would exclaim how I needed to learn these things now, and then they would all break into uncontrolled laughter again. How Miss Vaughn could concentrate on styling my hair I would never know!

She would wash my hair herself and gave my scalp a "good scrubbing," scraping her long, unmanicured nails throughout my scalp. After slathering on conditioner, and rinsing my hair, she would put me to sit under the hair dryer so my sopping wet afro could lose some of its moisture. After my hair was dried and tightened, Miss Vaughn would skillfully grease (pronounced, "greeze") my scalp with Dax hair grease, all while masterfully parting each section of my hair with the end of a rat-tail comb. In addition to the sounds of raucous laughter, handclaps, and fingersnaps in Miss Vaughn's salon, I can vividly remember the sizzle of the hotcomb as it met the Dax in my fragile hair. I can also recall the smell that went along with grease-singed hair. After my hair surrendered and laid down as flat as it could, Miss Vaughn would break out the metal, barrel, curling iron tongs, fuled by a small, blue flame in a tiny, iron stove, and force my hair to twist, bend, and curl. By the time Miss Vaughn was finished with my hair, I would have tight, "Shirley Temple" curls, either secured with a ribbon, a few bows, or two or three ponytails -- depending on which dress I was wearing the next day. For Mami, Miss Vaughn would just "bump" the ends of her hot-combed hair, ever so lightly, so it would gently flow past her shoulders. Mami looked so pretty!

When we would leave the salon, we would stop by the concession stand in the Abraham & Strauss department store (A&S) for a little mother-daughter bonding and a hot fudge sundae. Then we would walk to the subway station and take the train home...unless it was raining; then we would put on our see-through, plastic hair scarves and then run to the subway station.

I don't remember much about church services when I was a kid, but I do remember that Mami and I looked our very best.

My first time was special. I was spending the summer with relatives in Florida, and the night before church, my older cousin, Lura, decided that my hair was too unmanageable for HER and "permed" my hair. I was 10 years old. I can still remember the brown and beige jar of TCB relaxer, the smell of the chemicals, and the scabs I got on the back of my head. I don't remember the process taking very long. Lura smeared Vaseline around my baby hair and my ears, applied the creamy substance to my entire, very thick, head of hair, rinsed my hair in the kitchen sink, and shampooed it with the TCB green apple shampoo. She later dried my hair with a blow dryer with a comb attachment and "set" my hair with pink sponge-rollers.

Later that night while I laid in bed, I kept putting my hands in my hair to feel the "silkiness." My fingers kept getting caught in the crusty, oozing scabs in the back of my scalp though and that still didn't ruin "my moment." When I awoke the next morning, Lura masterfully removed each (moisture-sucking) sponge-roller from my hair and gently brushed out the curls -- curls I had only had when my hair was hot-combed. My hair "bounced and behaved" and I felt pretty. I got so many compliments from church folk that day; more than I had ever gotten from my reading of the Scripture. People who had never spoken to me before, spoke to me on that day. Gone was the shy, bookworm and out came the cute, pre-pubescent young lady with the silky hair. They really liked...me...

Last week, I mentioned the term, "protective styling" in one of my posts. I first heard that term just after I stopped chemically relaxing my hair the first time in 1993. I was reading the advertisements in the back of an Essence magazine when I saw an ad for Wanakee hair products. Wanakee was a household name in my house. She was one of the very few Black, fashion models I had ever seen, must less knew by name. When I was growing up, there were very few super-models of color: Wanakee, Iman, Jayne Kennedy, Bethann Hardison, Beverly Johnson, Gail O'Neill, Grace Jones, Naomi Sims, Louise Vyent, Karen Alexander, Roshumba, Tracey Ross, Lana Ogilvie, and Veronica Webb.

The Wanakee advertisement struck a chord with me. It had her familiar face, highlighted her gorgeous, long hair, and told of how my hair could look like hers -- buy her moisturizing hair products and follow her hair care tips. Well, I was sold! The very next day I called 1-800-HAIROIL so I could obtain my free color brochure and ultimately have hair just like Wanakee's.

When my brochure arrived in the mail, I quickly read it from cover to cover. I studied all of Wanakee's hair tips:

* Keep your hair moisturized and conditioned;
* Trim your hair every 6 to 8 weeks;
* Wear your hair in PROTECTIVE HAIR STYLES;
* Sleep with your hair "protected" (covered);
* Treat your hair gently and take your time; and
* Make sure you use good tools.

I was also fascinated by a hair testimonial and photograph by an apparent customer, Pier Bolton of Hercules, California. Pier's almost waist-length hair spoke volumes to me and her "testimonial" said that she had been a user of Wanakee's hair care treatment since 1992. That was almost two whole years! Well, that was all the proof I needed! I ordered my Wanakee stuff right away!

I couldn't wait until I received my Beneficial Phase Shampoo, Moisture Emphasis Conditioner, Detangling Spray Conditioner, Oil for the Hair, Constant Care for Ends, and the all-important and totally necessary (for me), Hairline Essential Creme. I followed Wanakee's instructions exactly: I trimmed my hair every 6 to 8 weeks, I wore my hair in "protective styles," and I continually saturated my hair with moisture. Protective styling is described as, "One absolutely necessary step that you can take to preserve your ends...[W]ear your hair "up" in a style that removes your ends from exposure to air. The longer your ends stay up and out of the air, the less they dry and split." According to the brochure, "as soon as your ends are exposed to air, the drying-out process begins," and that "protective styling is a major contributor to achieving hair length." A recommended protective hairstyle is the French chignon.

Well, needless to say, Wanakee's products did not work for me. Trimming my hair every 6 to 8 weeks is a crock. Whether I trim my hair or not, I have learned that it grows regardless. I only trim my hair if I can see split ends or damage and my hair grows just fine. I don't see the point otherwise. Her issue about "air" being the enemy to our hair is a crock too. Sure my 4A hair is fragile, but to really care for it, I find is in how I handle it and what products I use. I do wear it in a "protective style" on weekdays, but that's out of a certain necessity. I work in a very conservative office and I have not found a style which would be office appropriate, so I wear a low ponytail or bun. (And I don't know how to do a French chignon!)

There are some of Wanakee's hair "tips," however, that I still do to this day, 14 years later:

* I do keep my hair very moisturized and conditioned, unless I'm feeling really lazy;
* I do keep my hair covered at night (It's more convenient);
* I do handle my hair very gently, like a fine silk; and
* I try to use very good tools. (Don't get me started on my wide-toothed comb or my Denman brush! I could talk your ear off!)

So, the bottom-line is, that regardless of the saturation of information that is out there, and there is a lot out there -- on the web, on hair care posts, or in the backs of magazines -- one still has to be able to weed through it to get to the truth. At least, the truth that's best for her (or him).

P.S. The Wanakee website (http://www.wanakee.com) is no longer represented by Wanakee, but by model, Beverly Johnson. Wanakee is now an artist out of Milwaukee (http://www.artbydesignshop.com/). I can't help but wonder what made Wanakee walk away from her own hair care line. Oh, and guess what? That testimonial by the customer that I saw in the brochure so many years ago by Pier Bolton of Hercules, California ? She's still there in the Before & Afters. After all these years, her same exact photos from 1994 are still being used on the website today!(http://www.hairoil.com/beforeandafter.htm). Wow! Makes one wonder...

My mother often tells me that she doesn't like my "hard" hair. Once I said to her, "But I got this hair from you. This is YOUR hair." She looked at me sympathetically and replied, "I'm sorry."

I don't quite know how I feel about her apology.

When I was a child, I looked up to Mami and wanted to be just like her. She used to attend every fashionable function she was invited to: Office parties on Wall Street in lower Manhattan, Jamaican Grand Independence Balls on Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn, debutante and quinceañera parties in Springfield Gardens, Queens. She was so grand and stylish, whether she wore "psychadelic" platform shoes, a floral "scarf" dress, or Sergio Valente denim jeans. She would often wear big, elegant, Diana Ross-styled wigs, and, on very special occasions, she would get her hair hot-combed and curled, a/k/a press 'n curled. And Mami always had the perfect accessories; dangly, colorful, clip-on earrings, a turban, or patterned hoisery. Once, she was even asked to model for a Fashion Fair Cosmetics fashion show at Gimbels Department Store in Valley Stream -- while she was in her 50's -- and made a bigger sensation than all of the young, seasoned models! Yes, I'll say it: Back in the day, Mami was the shiz-nit!

Now, Mami is long retired and tired. She doesn't attend haute couture events or parties, she doesn't get dressed up in gorgeous, fancy outfits, or comb her knotted, kinky, natural hair in any "style." She braids her hair is three or four large braids and tucks it all in under a beat-up, old, French beret or bandana. She stopped straightening her hair almost 20 years ago and, as she ages, finds little use for clip-on earrings or patterned hoisery. She barely get dressed these days. In fact, I don't think she owns more than three outfits.

She didn't make a conscious effort to stop straightening her hair. She did so out of necessity. She survives on a very small Social Security stipend and it just doesn't make sense to spend money on that type of thing any more. Mind you, Mami still has a teeny-weeny, tiny, streak of vanity. She STILL colors her hair with Nice 'N Easy #120, Natural Dark Brown. To her, if she didn't color her hair, it would be like giving up all together. LOL!

When I stopped chemically relaxing my hair, I thought that because she already wore her hair natural, she would be able to relate and that I'd have someone to talk to. I thought that maybe we could discuss hair issues and products and maybe, I could even help her style HER hair. That dream of mine was just a childish fantasy that never came true. Mami still uses the same hair products she used when she used to straighten her hair: TCB Bone Straight shampoo, Ultra Sheen hair grease, and B&B Super Gro (whatever that is!) I tried my best to teach her about gentle hair practices, protective styling (a throwback to my "Wanakee" days), detangling, deep conditioning, defining her curls -- and she would hear none of it. When it comes to hair styling, she said she likes to, "Rake 'n go." And rake she does! She still has one of those old, black, plastic, "rake" combs that unevenly shreds her hair as she pulls it through. The only way to get that comb from her though is to steal it, and she might cut off your hand with her machete she keeps behind her headboard if she catches you!

The only time she compliments MY hair is when I have it blown out. That's the only time I'll hear from her that it's pretty. That's kind of sad really. When I wear my hair the way God designed it, she has nothing but negative remarks to say, like, "I guess you're too busy to do your hair," or "I guess you don't have enough money to get your hair done," or, the comment that ticks me off the most, "You're going to wear your hair like that?"

It's especially confusing for me since I have the exact same hair as she does, and the same hair Abuelita, her mother, had, but I'm old enough now to stop trying to figure her out. I realize that just like our other mother-daughter rites of passage, I've just got to let this one go too. The issue isn't really mine; it's hers. Just as I've grown out of trying to be just like her, and trying to be how she has wanted or expected me to be, I have to get over it. I can't change her, I can only change me, and that's all there is to it. I would go crazy trying to figure her our or living up to her ideals.

I just gotta be who I am...and that's perfectly okay.

I don't know what it is about me that makes people feel so comfortable -- too comfortable even -- that they think it's okay to touch my hair. Years ago when I was a relaxed hair junkie, an Anglo (White) co-worker just walked up behind me and put her hand in my hair. I whipped my head around and asked her what she thought it was doing. She replied, "Oh, it's so long and pretty. I just wanted to see what it felt like..."

What???!!!!

Who the hell does that? Do White people do that to each other? My White husband says no. Besides, I took her response to mean, "I was just checking to see if your hair was real," but that could just be my own made-up paranoia. Maybe it's exactly as she said. (I doubt it.) I still told her in a gutteral tone, "Don't touch my hair...[long pause]...pleeeeease!"

I think I got my point across. She hasn't done it again. That was in 2002.

I started to transition to natural hair shortly after that incident. Since my hair is "obviously" my own now, one of the White, female "partners" in my office has actually patted me on my head (oh yes, you read that right, patted!) and told me what I good job I was doing. I played it off like it was a joke since the woman is one of my bosses, and I quipped, "You really spend too much time with your dogs, ha ha," but inside my head I thought, "What the hell are you doing? You don't know me like that!"

Strangers in the mall (White people) will walk up to my curly-haired three-year-old and just pat him on his head while telling him how cute he is. With strangers, I don't show restraint. I actually tell them in a tone that only a pissed off Mami can have, "Don't touch my child!" (Oh yes, I do! They need to be taught!)

I realize that perhaps strangers are just trying to be nice, but my patience level is low when it comes to issues of hair. My patience is even lower with people who don't have ethnic hair.

Maybe I have a chip on my shoulder. Or maybe, you just need to keep your hands out of my hair...

If you're a girl with ethnic curls, you have got to see this YouTube video of Gelila. (Click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X71mnwb2E5w). Gelia is a Ford Model from Ethiopia and in her video she discusses her hair routine with Pantene products. I personally don't use Pantene and don't intend to (although I did when my hair was chemically relaxed) but I just adore her hair cut. I like it so much, that I am actually considering visiting a hair salon to get my hair cut in layers. I haven't visited a salon in a really looooong time. I have almost the same length as Gelila, that is, when my hair is blown out, but her hair looks more like a shiny 3C than my very dry 4A hair. And my hair will shrink up to chin length when dried. I think that the layering will still be fashionable as long as I get some shape in my hair. I think that will help me with my styling and maybe, just maybe, I'll be bold enough to wear my hair out to the office instead of my bun.

Now, the search for someone to cut my hair -- someone who is familiar with "ethnic" hair and doesn't just want to slap a chemical in it.

To Be Continued...

Today is Fathers' Day. My 3-year-old and I have planned a special day for Papi which will involve taking him out for dinner later. Sounds simple enough, but because I want to look special for my man, I stress about what to do with my hair. I want to look and feel sexy, like I did when he and I were dating (when my hair was relaxed), but most days, I feel like I look frumpy.

During the work week, I co-wash, no-poo wash, or spritz my hair; slather on the hair gel; and allow it to air dry. Then I pull all of my hair back in a low, loose bun or ponytail, carefully covering my sparse hairline. On the days it's washed, I leave the ponytail loose and allow the curly puff to flow freely. On the days it's spritzed (second-day hair), I twist it and tuck it in to a bun. My ends never look so good on the second day. On weekends, I let it all hang out, but as it dries, it shrinks up tightly. And on special occassion days, which are very rare and far between, I will break out the flat iron -- which is something I really don't want to do. For the record, I last used the flat iron, June 2007 and before that was February 2007. (Not too bad, but that really says a lot about the sad state of affairs when it comes to my special occasion social calendar!)

I wish I could find a line of products that were true to its claims. I wish my 4A hair would hang down and just stay that way, even when dry. I especially wish my second-day hair looked as good as the first. I guess I'm just still searching for my holy grail.

India.Arie, a wonderful singer-songwriter with a social consciousness, recorded a song with another talented singer-songwriter, P!nk called, "I Am Not My Hair." The chorus is:

"I am not my hair, I am not this skin,
I'm not your expections...
I am a soul [who] lives within..."

I like the song and have it in my iPod, but I don't quite "feel" the chorus, if you know what I mean. See, I feel that I am my hair and my hair is me, and whomever doesn't like it, well, that's their problem.

I believe that no matter who you are, what you are, what you look like, what you wear, etc., someone is always going to form an opinion about you without even knowing you. In a matter of seconds, you are being sized up by someone who has never engaged in a conversation with you.

When you see a kid with saggy pants and his underwear hanging out, what are you thinking?
When you see a Black man walking down the street and holding hands with a White woman, what are you thinking?
When you see a White guy with blonde dreadlocks, what are you thinking?
When you see a heavily tattooed woman with a nose ring and a partially shaved head, what are you thinking?
When you see two really good-looking guys walking down the street and holding hands, what are you thinking?

My point is that people are always "profiling" other people based on initial appearances and fitting them into nice, neat, little mental catagories -- and that's okay. You have the right to think whatever you want to think about me. Now whether or not you have the right to infringe on my personal space and tell me what you're thinking about me is another matter. Keep it to yourself because I don't really care. I did not wake up this morning hoping to impress anyone, but myself.

I am my hair, I am this skin, I am not your expectations, but I am also the soul who lives within, and if you don't like it, oh well!