I didn't go to the gym yesterday, was really cold so stayed home and did some pics and short movies for my madmumzy site (see about me for link). So I was wearing this hat and stripey sox around all day that my hubby threw at me just before he left for work. We don't have a proper heating system and mostly rely on these little fan heaters. So, yeah, I've got my gym clothes on now so no excuses!

This is a long story about how I became physically challenged. It started back in 1992 when I decided to do a full-time secretarial course. I already had some sort of strain in my left wrist and at times found it aggravated things when I was driving a manual, and the gear changing etc. All my kids were at school at last and now was a time for me to update my skills and find employment to help with the mortgage. The secretarial course was very intensive and involved a lot of typing. At the same time I was driving a car that had quite a stiff gear change (think the gearbox oil used to leak out) and so driving to and from Polytech didn't exactly help either. On top of that I was doing all the housework, caring for my 3 kids etc. After a couple of months of my course my left wrist was starting to hurt. I ignored it and thought it would go away, but it just got worse so I went to my doctor and was given a splint to wear and some anti-inflammatories. I kept on trying to type, drive the car, do the housework but the left wrist got so bad that I couldn't drive anymore, couldn't do anything with my left hand. Couldn't even pick up a small light object. I had to quit my course. I was so distressed about this that I got very depressed, and also started having panic attacks. The pain kept me awake at night.

I read in a book about OOS (RSI) that with tendon injuries you just have to give the offending limb complete rest. I thought "Ok, I still have my right hand. No problems" But, trying to do everything with my right hand wasn't the solution and I buggered up my right wrist as well. Both wrists were hurting. Both in splints. I couldn't do the following: housework, driving, handwriting, typing, crafts, sewing, washing my hair, dressing, undressing, undoing and doing up buttons, inserting a tampon, blow drying my hair, applying moisturiser, hold onto a phone (had to use a speaker phone), use any eating utensils. I know this sounds a bit way out but that is what this injury reduced me to. I had to get my son to write out the cheques to pay the bills, I just signed them. My oldest daughter used to wash my hair for me.

I had help with housework, through ACC, and this went on for about 3 years until I got to the stage where I could manage.

I still can't keep up with the housework. I still have to drive using only my right hand. I can use my left hand for some things - still can't eat with a fork in my left hand.

It's been such a long time ago and recently I decided to try and work in an old folks home. A nice lady gave me a morning of work experience and I enjoyed it so much. The problem was that part of the job involved carrying plates of food in each hand to the tables at lunchtime. The next morning I woke up with a very sore left wrist, so that was that. It was worth a try.

I got into photography a couple of years after the injury and found that I could be creative posing for pics, and I felt good about it. It was something I could do. I didn't feel quite so useless.

So that's part of my background. I have about 95 people on my yahoo messenger (my madmumzy one). So you'll understand if it's mostly set to 'invisible' as I can't keep up with all the typing.

I decided to experiment a bit with some 'buds' I aquired, mainly to see if it did actually improve my mood, creativity, intelligence etc. I had heard so much about how amazing it is and how it should be legalised here in NZ. I didn't want to smoke it, as I value my lungs way too much, but I did find some recipes on the internet for cannabutter.....made some cookies (much to hubby's disapproval) and then made some hummus (infusing the bud into the olive oil), which turned out much more potent than the cookies.

The effect it had on me was just like wrapping me up in cottonwool and slowing down my thoughts. All I wanted to do was just sit on the couch, watch tv .......don't ask me to remember what it was I was watching! haha!

I did a bit of research on the internet last night about the effects of marijuana, positive and negative, and found an interesting post to a bulletin board. Topic was Nootropics and Brain Enhancers. >>>

“It is just too bad that marijuana has such a detrimental effect on one's memory and learning capabilities. It is good for mood, but that is it. I, personally, think that it only has a negative effect intellectually while the THC is still in your system. Once it is out, all is good. If you smoke everyday, you would be surprised how well your learning faculties improve once the 20-30 day mark of abstinence is reached. If you smoke only a few times a month, expect about 5 days of brain fogginess after each smoking endeavor. All this derived from personal experience and scientific literature. All in all, it is contraindicative towards "brain enhancement".” [Aaron – Columbus, Ohio]

I do, though, think that there are people out there that can benefit from it. Some people with chronic pain find it's the only thing that helps them, also cancer patients undergoing chemo etc. Legalising for medical purposes makes sense, like they did in Canada back in 2001.

As for me, I don't have any reason to need the stuff. The occassional cookie isn't going to hurt, true, but for me and my 'addictive personality' it's probably better to stay away from it.

Over the last twenty years I have tried a lot of drugs, mostly legal. They include (excuse spelling), and not all in the same catergory, Prothiaden, Clomipramine, Immipramine, Nortriptiline, Arapax, Prozac, Xanax, Diazepam, Clonazepam, Lorazepam, Lithium, Tegretol, Epilim, Risperadone, Olanzapine, Buspirone, Norflex. Currently on Meclobomide and Quetiapine. I've been on Meclobomide for over ten years now and find it to be a really good anti-depressant with very few side-effects. I had also been on Olanzapine (lowest dose) for five years and swapped it for Quetiapine recently when I was at rehab. At rehab the 'drug and alcohol' supervisors that gave out the meds hadnt heard of Meclobomide and didnt even know what it was for. I had to tell them it was an anti-depressant and 'specialist only' prescribed. I was amazed that they were trained in drugs and alcohol and hadnt heard of this one. I think it's absolutely the best for depression, although it took years for me to try all the other drugs first before it was offered to me. Another thing to take into consideration, of course, is that we all respond differently to medications. I was lucky to have medical insurance and so I could go to a specialist and not be on the waiting list here and then risk only to be able to see a trainee. But now our medical insurance doesnt cover that sort of thing but that's ok. I think I'm sorted!

At the Uni Disabilities service they're aware of the depression and anxiety.....panic etc and they're being very supportive. I'm feeling a lot more confident now and dont think I'll have too much of a problem going to lectures. I might find labs hard though cos you sometimes have to contribute, so will just see how that goes. I do feel now that I have some direction in my life. I'm studying Sociology and Gender Studies this year. My main aim for getting a Uni degree is that I want to be able to help other women with addictions and alcohol problems like I've had in the past. I feel that alcohol and drugs are way too readily available..........very long story.

Decided to start up a blog to get my thoughts sorted.

http://www.myspace.com/madgirlnz

I've lost hundreds of pics and various other things due to the computer crashing a few days ago. I couldnt do a single process even though I had it in safemode, so we had to reload windows and now I think it's working ok. The only problem is with my yahoo messenger. It keeps bombing out. Also my screen makes everything look short and fat, so definitely a bit of fine tuning is required.

I have been using the laptop and lounge computer a bit, so I wasnt totally at a loss.

It's made me realise that I should do backups. I did have quite a bit put on cd about a year ago so that's a help.

Update:
I've discovered that I havnt actually lost everything, which is good news!

I havnt been online much over the last week. Russ, my hubby, is sick. He has a rather bad kidney infection, and is now on his second lot of anti-biotics. It's affecting his skin colour. Today he is red, and running a fever and feeling cold and shivery. We also have people staying. Russ's cousin and her hubby.

Sooo...., sorry to those I havnt replied to. Thanks for all your messages. I really appreciate getting them.

Update:
Russ still sick. Has finished his 2nd lot of antibiotics but still running a fever. He is now been given tests for a Fever of Unknown Origin. Doc has taken more blood and he has a chest xray tomorrow.

Friday:
Yesterday he had an ultra sound of his kidneys but nothing showed up, so all looks well. Today he's very tired, our visitors have gone now, so mostly he's been resting. If his temperature doesnt go up again then he'll go back to work on Monday.

The Latest:
He's feeling a lot better now and has been back at work for about a week with no problems except for feeling unenergetic, but I guess that's normal after a nasty infection. Thanks to everyone who has asked after him and sent lovely wishes. It's much appreciated.

A good friend of mine, on fotki, has suggested I give myself another name that doesnt include the word 'Mad'. Something a bit more complimentary I guess, so I'm thinking about it. So, if anyone else has an opinion about it let me know.

Update: After discussing with a good friend or two I decided to go back to being BlondieBlue again. This was the first nickname I ever used on the net about ten years ago. I was actually blondie_blue on a site called The Globe, which was where I posted my first pics. That site closed down years ago and many interesting things have happened since then. Hope this doesnt confuse too many of you.

Russ took day off work.

Went for a drive down along the east coast. Beautiful day, not a cloud in sight. Saw a pod of Orcas (killer whales) swimming near the shore. One of the whales was large, with huge dorsal fin. A young seal came ashore and died. We think the whales got the mother.

Tomorrow is going to be even a warmer day so Russ is quite pissed off he has to go to work.

I'm working on my application for Uni next year. I had an appointment at the Disabilities Resource Centre this morning to see if I would qualify of Limited Fulltime. The meeting went well and I explained about my wrists and how I was limited to the amount of handwriting I could do. When it comes to exams, I was told that someone could come to the exam with me (usually 3 hours) and write down what I tell them to. I was hoping that I could have access to a computer for this. I just can't get my brain around telling someone what to write!! They told me that I would get training in how to tell someone what to write! Do any of you think you could do that? Sounds so complicated to me, especially if I have to write an essay.

I think I've sorted out the papers I want to do for the first semester. (normally a person would do 3 per semester but with limited fulltime you can do just 1 or 2)

I'm pretty sure I want to do these two as they sound fascinating and something I could really get into:

Sociology - Exploring Society
Understanding and explaining the different types of social relationships that constitute diverse social worlds, ranging from music and food to the welfare state and death.

and

Gender Studies - Gender in Focus
Provides an intro to critical perspectives on gender issues in topics such as the media and popular culture, sexuality, health and technology.

The Uni here is compared to a small city, so will have to get used to finding my way around it. My daughters still have another year to go there so I'm sure they will help me out.

I'm still trying to sort out going to Uni next year but am experiencing a few hiccups. I'm finding it difficult trying to prove to the Disabilities dept at Uni that I have problems with continuous holding onto a pen. They need up-to-date paperwork in form of an assessment of my limitations. They have told me that it is to help them know how they can assist me, and also they have to be able to justify the help they are giving me for the sake of audits and application for funding etc. I find typing easier than writing, as with typing the work is spread out over 10 fingers instead of just 3. Writing with a pen requires continuous gipping and applying pressure to the paper. I have the same problem texting with my cellphone....pressing the keys with my thumb. I'm lucky that I dont need to text much. Maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

Will type more later.

It's later,.....by a few days. Nevermind.
The last few days have been a bit frustrating and feeling sorry for myself and hitting the bottle a bit hasnt helped either. "Poor me! It's all about me!" is what I learnt in rehab is the typical attitude of the alcoholic and addict.

I'm still looking for someone to assess me. Apparently it's difficult these days, especially if the disability is referred to as RSI or OOS. I see my problem as a 'strain' injury. I wasnt in an occupation when it happened. I didnt get it from typing. A long story. Doctors seem to be afraid of anything that ACC isnt going to be happy with. ACC (Accident Compensation Corp) are a very big powerful corporation. Any sort of accidental injury has to go through them if anyone wants financial help with recovering from it. You don't sue people here for that sort of thing.

All I want is to convince the disabilities dept at uni that I cant write a 2 or 3 hours exam. In their disabilities booklet they say that people who cant write may possibly have access to a computer. I asked them about that but they kinda fobbed me off and started raving on about using a 'writer', with me telling someone what to write. I still cant get my head around that! In the meantime I will start with papers that dont require an exam.

I found a physio that is happy to do a handwriting assessment for me. I go there on Friday. The head of another physio recommended this place to me which specialises in hands. As it turns out, it's the very place I went to 15 years ago to have splints especially made for both wrists. I'd forgotten about it. They moulded a plastic substance over both my wrists and forearms with velcro tabs so I could remove them at night. What's even more amazing is that they still have my records there from 15 years ago. I couldnt believe it! A normal practice here in NZ is that after 10 years records can be destroyed. (I had previously tried to get my records from ACC but they told me they had been destroyed) Anyway things are looking up. I might not have to write those 2 - 3 hours exams afterall. I have just bought a laptop so I can use that for taking notes in lectures. It's such a basic laptop and so doesnt have a cam. Sorry guys! hehe

I enrolled at Uni and am take one gender studies and one sociology paper for first semester. The gender studies one doesnt require an exam, which is good. It's the sociology one that I'll need help with.

UPDATE ON PHYSIO - ASSESSMENT:
I visited the Hand Clinic before Xmas and a few days ago I recieved a copy of the report that they sent the Uni. The diagnosis part said "My Clinical impression is that she continues to have a chronic tendonitis problem whereby repetitive fine movements or sustained gripping causes some nerve compression related to the Median nerve at the wrist.........In view of the chronic nature of her symptoms and what I observed today, I would not anticipate any significant increase in writing tolerance in the future" And the assistance recommended was the use of a laptop for exams.

What I found interesting was the grip strength and pinch grip that she found upon testing. I didnt realise mine was so below normally expected.

Power Grip
Right - 15kg (expected normal - 28kg)
Left - 10kg (expected normal - 25.5kg)

Pinch Grip
Right - 2kg (expected normal - 8kg)
Left - 1.75 (expected normal - 7.5kg)

I'm still limited in my typing. I find it hard to keep up with my guestbook messages. I'd like to reply to everyone and comment on all their pics but I just cant do it. Sorry to those who wonder why you dont hear from me at times.

Uni Update: 15 Jan
I had a visit to the Disabilities Resource Centre at Uni today. The Coordinator was happy with the assessment from the physio and report from my psychiatrist, so that's a relief. She told me that I would be able to type my exams, which is great and exactly what I was hoping for! She is going to loan me a device to record lectures and if I'm happy with it then I can buy one of my own. I'm not sure what it's called but apparently you can download it onto your computer as a sound file. I start Uni middle of next month so still have some time to sort out the textbooks I'll need. Hubby bought me a new bookcase kitset, so I'll get my son to help me assemble it this afternoon hopefully.

I'm spending some time catching up with things here. So many people have left messages, mostly private, and it's good to hear from everyone. It's after 1 am and hubby is in bed snoring. I have the lights off, trying not to bother him, so having trouble seeing the keys. He has work in the morning.

My oldest daughter has her cats here at the moment. Tito and Sammy. Some of you will remember that Sammy had kittens here around this time last year. She is due again! She's the sleek black cat with the huge eyes. She's so adorable. I've made a bed for her under my desk in an old suitcase. She's happy with that and has been settling herself down there for the last few weeks. Every now and then Tito decides to try and settle himself in Sammy's spot so I have to remove him. He's such a brat! Sometimes when I'm walking up the hallway he'll follow me and try to trip me up. Life is such a game to him. I just love cats. We have Jinx and Honey already, but they're getting old. Kay...youngest daughter.....wants to keep one of Sammy's kittens.

Update:
Sammy is getting quite big and Kay was able to feel her tummy and the kittens kicking. She was so excited. She is still settling herself under my desk so we're pretty sure that's where the kittens will be born hopefully. A year ago she was trying to get in bed with us and have them there!

Further Update:
Sammy went into labour on Xmas evening. She had them in my daughter's bed. 1 black and 3 tabby.

Russ still not well and having some abdominal and back pain so his doc has referred him on for a CT Colonography. He has this done on Monday morning. He's been enjoying having a break over Xmas and New Year's and the weather has been good so we've been able to get outdoors quite a bit.

Monday:
Russell spent all day yesterday not eating, as he only was allowed clear drinks to prepare his bowel for the Colonography. The procedure went ok and wasnt too uncomfortable. We find out the result on Wednesday or Thursday. Hopefully all is clear.

And, all was clear!

It's a lovely sunny day. I'm out behind the lemon tree with a blanket, a pillow, and my laptop. Just trying it out to see if the 'wireless' works out here, and obviously it does but it's slow....11 Mbps. That's ok though, it's not like I'm trying to download anything. It's quite nice sitting out here and very private so I'm working on an all-over slightly sunkissed look. As you'll notice in my pics I'm not really into the tanned look. I've seen too many old old looking women so that kind of puts me off. I did go through a stage of tanning, about 10 years ago, but now I've decided that it's more sensible to preserve my skin and also minimize the risks of skin cancer. I should have brought my camera out here with me. Nevermind, next time maybe.

After raving on about the dangers of too much sun on the skin I seem to have been enjoying it out by the lemon tree too much yesterday. We have a few aloe vera plants so hubby rubbed the gel all over my back and it's feeling a lot better today.

My first day at Uni today. It was orientation for Adult Students, that is people above the age of 20 who have been away from formal study for a few years. I found the lecture theatre alright. The day before hubby took me there and we sussed it out so I wouldnt get lost (like a true blonde!) There were about 50 there. Mostly they seemed to be in their 20's. Half a dozen guys would have been in their 50's. It's difficult to judge a person's age though so I'm not real sure. We were told all about the various services at Uni and the support we could ask for as required. One guy there, who talked to us, had started his studies there in his 60's and is now doing his masters.....so there's hope for all of us I guess!

I'm so pleased how relaxed I feel about this. I'm actually really excited! This time last year I would have felt so differently....was before I went to rehab. I'm such a different person now and i feel so positive and enthusiastic about going to Uni and how much I'm going to learn. It's such an amazing feeling!

I'll keep you posted. Tomorrow I'm not doing anything. Just going to chill at home, and catch up on a bit of housework etc. We have two kittens left of Sammies. We will keep Buddy, and so we need to find a home for Ninja, the black one.

Yesterday my class went good. Soci. What I found interesting is something the lecturer said. She said that generally the sort of people who are
at uni come from a middle to upper class background and tend to have attended a more affluent type school. Of course there are the
exceptions. She was a teen mum at age 15 and her son is almost 20 now. She was saying that her mum was also a teen mum. We were discussing the possibilities of how teens become mums, other than having sex of course, and relating it to their socio economical up bringing. It would appear that generally these teen mums come from poorer backgrounds. We were talking about asking sociological questions about this topic. e.g. What is the relationship between teen-parenthood and poverty? Anyway it was an interesting discussion.

I had lunch in the cafetaria....if that's what it is called. I had a 3 hr book to read, so ate while i was reading...then went to the library
to read the rest of it. "My Life as a Man" for Gender. Fascinating! Now I know how to dress and behave like a man! I just need to cut my
hair, put on a fake goatee, wear a fake penis....which is a condom filled with birdseed, to make me look like a typical horny guy with a
semi-erect dick. Wear baggy trousers and a polo top, and have a totally impersonal gaze like 'i dont give a shit'. And act bored, and slouch about pretending i'm cool. (How does anyone notice I have a dick while wearing baggy trousers? I dont get that part.)

I went into the uni library to read another one of those 3 hr loan Gender books. I went up to the 11th floor to read it, as it was very quiet and I had a nice view over my city. I was up there for quite some time, then took the book back down on the ground level.

I went up to the counter, handed over the book, and showed the girl what I thought was my student card. She took the book off me, smiled at me,
and told me she didnt need to see my card. I walked away and went to put my card away and noticed that I'd shown her my Gondola Pass card.
I'm sure once the initial stress dies down I'll hopefully not do that sort of thing.

We had an interesting topic of discussion recently after watching a documentary about a woman/man here in NZ. This infant was born with questionable genitalia. Apparently we have around 30 a year born with a question about their true sex. So she had a micropenis and a bit of a vagina. So at birth she was called Bruce and treated like a boy for about a year, then they decided after surgery (which revealed she had a uterus) that she must obviously be a girl. So then they were dressing her up in frilly dresses and treating her like any other little girl. Problem was that when she grew up she didnt actually feel the same sort of things that a normal female would. She went through a lot of shit and sex abuse before she realised that she was attracted to women and not men. She rang up and told her mother that she'd discovered that she was a lesbian. Her mum was in total shock, and told her dad. He died of a heart attacked soon afterwards. She was, of course, to blame for this according to her mother who never forgave her.

Anyway it was interesting hearing this story and discussing it. It would seem that here in NZ that if an infant is born with a questionable sex that the parents are given 24 hours to decided about surgery so that the infant can leave the hospital either male or female. The parents are also told that this situation is extremely rare.........which appears to be a load of shit. We were also told that there isnt the option of having a bloodtest to determine sex as to the chromosome make up etc ...whether xy, xxy, xyy, or whatever.

For Sociology we have been given our choices of essay questions. It's to be at least 2000 words and due end of May so I have some time to work on it. Is worth 40% of the marks.

Here are some of them:

Sexualities:
"Critically discuss the claim that sexuality is 'socially constructed"

Sport and Bodies:
"Discuss how the classification of bodies for sports affects athletes and perceptions of Sports."

Food and the Body:
"Power Works through Food" Using date from lectures and from 'Ladies a Plate" discuss how a Foucauldian analysis allows us to discern the workings of power.

Family:
"What is a family? What problems arise when we try and define the concept in contemporary New Zealand society?"

How Animals Shape Our Lives:
"Cats can be seen as pets or pests; cows can be treated as pets or profit centres. Choose an animal with which people have multiple relationships and discuss the social context that encourages these differences. Your discussion must refer to the ideas of at least one social theorist."

Crime and Deviance:
"Show how the rise and popularity of marijuana in New Zealand in the 1960's and 1970's was linked to international social, political and cultural trends."

I'd be interested to know what you think about these choices. I'll make up my mind over the next couple of days because I have to do a comment paper on the subject I choose for the essay, and have to hand it in on 27th March.

Been spending some time on my madmumzy myspace. Link is: http://www.myspace.com/madmumzy

Typing with one hand as my left wrist still sore from exams. Got 2 weeks holiday so hopefully can catch up a bit on here. Thanks for all your messages and comments. Sorry that I havent replied to you all.

Hubby and I took some pics saturday night so will be adding them as I'm able.